To TTC or not to TTC

To be or not to be.... that is the question.... I feel as though I am making a decision on borrowed time. So many thoughts swirl through my head and emotions in my heart. Warning this post is just ramblings as I sort the thoughts in my head and heart. It helps to get them out. Maybe someone out there gets it?

We have toyed with the idea of having number 3 when our son is 4 years old, that is still 2 years away. So now facing a decision to bring another child into the world is upon us 2 years before we intended to make that choice. I have these lists of why not in my head, the biggest being financially, daycare is a huge cost and I am not sure we could swing it without struggling. maybe if I deferred my student loans..... but then we are not people who defer things.... we are working hard at debt free and the end is in sight! I know many people will say money is not more important than a child, and its not. However we do have to consider the 2 children that we do have and our dream to have a home for pregnant teen girls in the future. Money is essential to survival. I know God will take care of us no matter what, I also believe He gave us brains for a reason.
He also gave us hearts to listen to His will. I am struggling knowing what that is in this situation.
Then I have to ask myself, do I really want another child, or do I just want the pregnancy and the breastfeeding? Because to be really honest, if I could be preggo all the time or nursing I would be in heaven. I felt better then any other time in my life when I was preggo, both times, even though both pregnancies came with their own set of worries and complication I still was in pure bliss. And nursing, well I just really loved it! If only I could be a surrogate, but who wants a woman with a clotting disorder that may make her miscarry.... and then losing the uterus soon... it will never happen. So anyway.... yeah, this blog is totally rambling.
I buy and sell maternity clothing on ebay on the side, (ebay store click here for anyone who is preggo!) and I find myself saving clothing from my purchases that I love and want to wear, yes maternity clothes... my closet is getting full.....and I have a drawer full of breastfeeding items that I have collected over the past few weeks as well.
I could just sell all of it and be done with this part of my life, but that thought makes me sad. I have had people say just adopt, well yes, I could, and actually plan to in the future. This is not about adoption, which I STRONGLY advocate by the way. This is about my body, the desires of my heart, the logic in my head, and reality all colliding.
Well if you made it this far, thanks for reading, knowing people are there, really helps.
I've taken up photography too...