It has been almost a year, a year since I lost a huge part of who I am, a year since I lost the ability to have babies. It HAS been a year since I miscarried our youngest angel. We have 6 children, 3 of whom are in heaven.
When my due date came, I had a really bad day, I told only one person, who hugged me for a very long time and and allowed me the chance to cry and talk about it. I was at work. And it was healing. The rest of the world moved on, no one remembered, but I didn't forget. The day my sweet baby was supposed to enter into the world, it hurt so much. This month marked a year since the time I found out I lost my precious baby. A piece of me died with all 3 of my miscarriages. With the first 2, there was hope of eventually holding a baby in my arms, I clung to that. With this last one, it was different, there was no hope. My body needed to get my uterus out. So I made that choice. Yes, my physical pain is gone, I physically feel better, I still have some small red scars on my tummy that seem to be fading. The scars remind me of the ugly emotion inside of my heart, I still can't bear to look at them. The scar in my heart is still huge and red. I kept my ovaries, so I know when I ovulate, and during those times my heart aches with so much pain. Knowing that my body will never produce a baby again, and will never grow and nurture a human life. I hold my children in those moments and count my blessings. I know God is good and He is with me.
I look forward to the day I can adopt a child or foster many children. You see its not just physical, its a matter of the heart, my heart yearns to love more children, yearns to care for them and protect them. Today I saw a photo of an 11 year old little boy waiting for his forever home, the yearning to bring him home overshadowed the yearning to bear a child in my womb for the first time ever. I embrace this feeling. I ache for the small boy that will go to bed tonight without a mommy to snuggle him up. The world is just not fair.
You see, the past several months I have attended baby showers, done maternity photo shoots, and talked to ladies about all things babies. I have seen countless positive pregnancy tests and have been secretly jealous. I have not been able to bring myself to do anymore breastfeeding photo shoots yet. The first one I do I will likely fall to pieces, so I plan to do one for a really good friend because I know she will hold me when I cry and fall apart. Breastfeeding my boys was the most fulfilling precious time of my life.
There is no personal purpose to this post, just a writing to let you know that if you have gone through this, you are NOT alone, grieving takes time, and its okay to grieve. I have many people in my life and they look at me and can't see past the happy face I put on, they don't know that a piece of me is dead, they don't know that on some days my entire heart feels dead, they don't know that I hold my boys extra sometimes and say a prayer of thanks that they are mine, they are rainbow babies, they are the dream that came true, the healing. But I choose to hide this part of me, because people who haven't been there, just don't get it. I have learned though that while people may not understand, the ones that love you will hold you and listen. And that is everything. So when you're having a bad day and you are falling apart inside, tell that person. Whoever it is. YOU deserve to heal.
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