Pure Joy

~ Happy Birthday to my darling husband! (yesterday) We had such a wonderful day yesterday having cake, a nap, church and just being together with our little girl. ~

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.... James 1:2

We both decided that if we are not pg this cycle we are taking next month off so we are not 4-5 weeks along on our cruise sould we get pg next cycle, neither one of us think I am pg this time, he goes based off the dog, every time I get pg the dog sticks his nose in my belly and doesn't move, it is weird! We have a Border Collie, only the smartest breed around! I keep hoping and praying that he will stick his nose in my tummy in the next few days! But I really don't feel it, so I will press on, I will rejoice in the life that I have been given and all the blessings that I have been given.
Today I bask in the glow of pure joy that comes from above.

Relax

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Don't tell me to RELAX and it will happen. Shut the heck up! Really, shut your mouth if you are going to say that. Or say well when its meant to be it will happen. I KNOW THAT! I KNOW to relax, I am the one going through the issues, I am WELL AWARE that I should relax and that it will happen at some point. I didn't lose my babies because it was meant to be, I lost them because I live in a world where sin is dominant and therefore my body SUCKS. It has nothing to do with anything else. So SHUT UP.

Yes I know stress causes my unterine lining to become thin making it harder to get pg, I have done more research in the past couple of years then you people that say these things have done in your whole lives. I am relaxed actually. So really JUST SHUT IT

Thats all.

What not to say part one:

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy by RESOLVE
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Waiting

Why is waiting so hard!? I am NOT a patient person at all! I long for a baby in my arms, and yet I wait, and wait some more.
Hopefully one day soon. I get so hopeful that maybe this month is the month, and I get excited, but just for a moment then my excitment is clouded with the sadness of knowing that just because I get pregnant doesn't mean I will keep my baby in my belly. The possiblity of of another Angel baby is such a real thing, I know I know stay positive, but please tell me how.

On a more positive note, 58 days till we cruise!!! Oh I cannot wait, the joys of cruising are endless!

Let the river flow....

no really....... af is here, time to cry that I am not pg, but time to rejoice that my body is finally normal and I can start TTC in just 8 more days! EEKK!! How exciting right!?

I have to be so thankful, I follow a blog, (you can find it in the upper right corner of my page) this dear woman lost her baby girl to SIDs, my heart breaks for her, I have to be thankful that while I am sad about TTC I am not living her nightmare, life can always be worse. For all of us wallowing in self pity stop and embrace the ones you love the most, because you are BLESSED.

Time to Heal

A time to mourn, a time to cry, a time to heal. I am finally at healing. Through grace and mearcy of the Lord Jesus my heart is beiong patched back together piece by piece. I finally feel like me again, my HPTs are finally negative, and the bleeding is over. After 14 weeks of pure torment everytime I peed, the torment has ended. My eyes cannot cry anymore tears and my heart cannot take another ache right now, it is time to LIVE. My darling angels in heaven now bring a small smile to my face, knowing I will hold them when I get there is healing. My husband has been such a rock and so wonderful to me and I cherish every moment with him and our daughter. There have been so many deaths around me lately, lives that are cut so short for one reason or another. Life ends in the blink of an eye and I will never again take either of them for granted. Life is good and I shall live it to the very fullest I can while I am here.

And as I write this a new little life is on its way into the world, my dear friend Julie is giving birth today after miscarriages and trials of her own and today is a day of a great big very tiny miracle. GOD IS GOOD.

The Beginning of Healing

The beginning of this journey is all about me and the rage and grief inside. Should I be happy after all this time? I suppose so, but I find myself getting uglier and uglier. I have now miscarried 2 babies in a row. I am broken. I never would have thought I would be here, in this dark place, a place where I just want to curl up and die. A place that no one can touch, my child has died again. My OB is so patient and understanding, Dr. Martin Jones in Lawton, he is an amazing doctor and takes good care of my physical body.

I wait for my HCG levels to drop from my last MC back before Christmas, and 11 weeks and 1 day later I still have hormones left from my angel baby and it is driving me CRAZY. I want to be able to try again. My chance for a 2011 baby is slipping through my fingers.

             I was diagnosed with Factor V and MTHFR gene mutation, both of which cause blood clots in my body when my estrogen rises in pregnancy and the specialist is quite certain it is what is causing me to lose my babies. When I do get pg I will be on a Lovenox shot every day to help my body keep my baby healthy.

             I am scared, but I am so ready to try again, as I type this my chest is tight, I am choking back tears, and I want to scream and scream and scream as loud as I can, as long as I can. But alas, I am not a screamer so the screams will just echo in my head until the day peace takes over. Some days I feel ok, then days like today hit and I am quite hormonal if I might say so myself! 

            Despite all of this turmoil on the inside, I do find peace and solace wrapped in my husband’s arms, or in kisses and snuggles from my daughter. I am so truly blessed, I look at the two of them and I feel so guilty for feeling so angry and sad, do I even have the right to feel that way? I don't know. I have this perfect little girl when so many of my friends are dealing with infertility, maybe I should just suck it up and get happy already! I really am trying to!