The beginning of this journey is all about me and the rage and grief inside. Should I be happy after all this time? I suppose so, but I find myself getting uglier and uglier. I have now miscarried 2 babies in a row. I am broken. I never would have thought I would be here, in this dark place, a place where I just want to curl up and die. A place that no one can touch, my child has died again. My OB is so patient and understanding, Dr. Martin Jones in Lawton, he is an amazing doctor and takes good care of my physical body.
I wait for my HCG levels to drop from my last MC back before Christmas, and 11 weeks and 1 day later I still have hormones left from my angel baby and it is driving me CRAZY. I want to be able to try again. My chance for a 2011 baby is slipping through my fingers.
I was diagnosed with Factor V and MTHFR gene mutation, both of which cause blood clots in my body when my estrogen rises in pregnancy and the specialist is quite certain it is what is causing me to lose my babies. When I do get pg I will be on a Lovenox shot every day to help my body keep my baby healthy.
I am scared, but I am so ready to try again, as I type this my chest is tight, I am choking back tears, and I want to scream and scream and scream as loud as I can, as long as I can. But alas, I am not a screamer so the screams will just echo in my head until the day peace takes over. Some days I feel ok, then days like today hit and I am quite hormonal if I might say so myself!
Despite all of this turmoil on the inside, I do find peace and solace wrapped in my husband’s arms, or in kisses and snuggles from my daughter. I am so truly blessed, I look at the two of them and I feel so guilty for feeling so angry and sad, do I even have the right to feel that way? I don't know. I have this perfect little girl when so many of my friends are dealing with infertility, maybe I should just suck it up and get happy already! I really am trying to!
Jen...I love you! One thing I've learned from life, is that you can't keep yourself from having certain feelings just because you think someone has it worse than you do! There comes a time in life that you just have to say "who cares what you're going through, this is how I feel!!" You can never make this pain easier to bear unless you deal with what you feel and now with what someone else EXPECTS you to feel!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post. I think you have a right to feel this way and feel all those emotions! Keep your head up, this storm will past. :o)
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