Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
24 weeks
And going strong! The Lovenox seems to be working, doing its job well! I was holding my breath for this week, 24 weeks is when chances of survival outside the womb jump to 50-60%, by week 26 chances are 80% and week 27 90%. So each milestone is a joyful moment in my heart and in my husbands heart. We breath a little more with each passing day that this baby just might be here to stay. We are full of prayers, hopes and dreams for this little baby D!
My journey has been a hard one, my heart still mourns for babies lost, but we are so thankful for this chance, this time in our lives to love this little one and to feel the kicking, rolling and punching. I embrace every single moment that I have to run for the toilet because I need to puke, everytime I am moody, or sleepy, or even my migraines that seem to be my biggest pregnancy issue, I smile and I rejoice, taking one day at a time.
My journey has been a hard one, my heart still mourns for babies lost, but we are so thankful for this chance, this time in our lives to love this little one and to feel the kicking, rolling and punching. I embrace every single moment that I have to run for the toilet because I need to puke, everytime I am moody, or sleepy, or even my migraines that seem to be my biggest pregnancy issue, I smile and I rejoice, taking one day at a time.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.
Although I did.....and threw one too.....
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. -Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.
Although I did.....and threw one too.....
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The baby shower
My new article! Check them all out!!
http://www.examiner.com/pregnancy-in-national/the-baby-shower
http://www.examiner.com/pregnancy-in-national/the-baby-shower
Monday, August 8, 2011
August
SO SO SO SO many changes! Change is good though! It seems life around me is flying by while I am at a standstill willing this baby to hurry and reach 24 weeks gestation! At 24 weeks they can save a baby's life, and my risk of throwing a blood clot increases with each passing week, so after 24 weeks if a clot is found they can take Baby D out and save our little one! Now of course we are praying that does NOT happen and I feel the Lord has his hand on this little one and that all will be well. But my human side will just be able to breathe a little bit easier!!
This sweet peanut is moving and kicking daily now, not all day, but most of the morning and the evenings, it is WONDERFUL and I am so head over heels in love with it! We have an ultrasound Wednesday, no we will NOT be finding out the sex, but we will get to see our baby and we will share pictures if we get them!
My belly is getting nice and bruised up, the Lovenox shots do NOT get better as time goes on, they still HURT everyday, but I smile as I shove that needle into my skin because I know that through this path my baby has a fighting chance at life. I embrace the bruising and the pain both, I just worry sometimes that if someone sees my belly they will think my hubby is beating me! Of course we ALL know he NEVER would hurt anyone but I still giggle thinking theres gonna be that one nurse one time that brings in the social worker to have the "chat"........ Anyways this is more of a rambling post as I am just anxious for Wednesday to know that the baby is measuring well and my fluid is good and so on! SO say your prayers for my Jingle Bell baby and I will update you all Wednesday!!
This sweet peanut is moving and kicking daily now, not all day, but most of the morning and the evenings, it is WONDERFUL and I am so head over heels in love with it! We have an ultrasound Wednesday, no we will NOT be finding out the sex, but we will get to see our baby and we will share pictures if we get them!
My belly is getting nice and bruised up, the Lovenox shots do NOT get better as time goes on, they still HURT everyday, but I smile as I shove that needle into my skin because I know that through this path my baby has a fighting chance at life. I embrace the bruising and the pain both, I just worry sometimes that if someone sees my belly they will think my hubby is beating me! Of course we ALL know he NEVER would hurt anyone but I still giggle thinking theres gonna be that one nurse one time that brings in the social worker to have the "chat"........ Anyways this is more of a rambling post as I am just anxious for Wednesday to know that the baby is measuring well and my fluid is good and so on! SO say your prayers for my Jingle Bell baby and I will update you all Wednesday!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Hello Mango!!
Ok so I really do NOT like mangos, AT ALL! BLEH!!
But my darling little baby boy or girl is the size of a mango today, 6 inches and a half a pound! WOW! Can you believe that?!
I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. I am feeling the baby move more everyday and I am am so thankful with each passing day that my baby grows big and strong and my body has no clots! YAY!!
I had an interesting run in with the police over the weekend, which I will share later on today or tomorrow, but for now here is a picture of my 16 week belly!
But my darling little baby boy or girl is the size of a mango today, 6 inches and a half a pound! WOW! Can you believe that?!
I am 18 weeks and 1 day today. I am feeling the baby move more everyday and I am am so thankful with each passing day that my baby grows big and strong and my body has no clots! YAY!!
I had an interesting run in with the police over the weekend, which I will share later on today or tomorrow, but for now here is a picture of my 16 week belly!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
My baby girl
My little tiny 4lb 6oz baby girl...... will be 7 tomorrow. Wow! Time flies!
It seems like just yesterday I was so scared waiting for my momma to get to the hospital (and my ex too who was busy getting a cheeseburger) so they could start my C-Section. I was shaking and so scared something terrible would happen to my precious little girl. During a NST the nurse got her heart beat at 90 when it had normally been 155. The nurse freaked out! And called the doc who said "lets have a baby now"! Well by time the doctor got there her heart was back to 155, I really think the nurse heard the pulse of my placenta but it is what it is......
At 1pm exactly on July 15th 2004 at 34.5 weeks preggo, my little girl breathed the breath of life, her pediatrician was there, and the first thing he said about her was "SHES PEEING ON ME" Hehe!! She was so healthy and beautiful. A perfect precious healthy little pink bundle of joy. I didn't know my life had changed forever. But it had. It was no longer my own, my life and heart now belonged to this tiny little person staring up at me.
As the years have gone by my love for her has grown with such intensity, I can't physically stand it sometimes. She is my joy, my love, and the apple of mine and Jeffs eyes. We adore her and I praise Jesus every day for her. Of course it would be another 18 months before she met Jeff, her daddy, but he fell so in love with her too. Our family is so full of love and laughter because of this one little girl that decided against all odds, (birth control, and my blood clotting, car accident) she would be born.
My sweet little blessing from the Lord or most high King. She has been dedicated, given back to our Father in heaven and I know he looks down on her with such pride and such love, surrounding her with safety and gifts to serve and love others thats surpass any I have EVER seen. She is our special little love bug.
Happy birthday tomorrow my precious little baby girl.
XOXO
Mommy
It seems like just yesterday I was so scared waiting for my momma to get to the hospital (and my ex too who was busy getting a cheeseburger) so they could start my C-Section. I was shaking and so scared something terrible would happen to my precious little girl. During a NST the nurse got her heart beat at 90 when it had normally been 155. The nurse freaked out! And called the doc who said "lets have a baby now"! Well by time the doctor got there her heart was back to 155, I really think the nurse heard the pulse of my placenta but it is what it is......
At 1pm exactly on July 15th 2004 at 34.5 weeks preggo, my little girl breathed the breath of life, her pediatrician was there, and the first thing he said about her was "SHES PEEING ON ME" Hehe!! She was so healthy and beautiful. A perfect precious healthy little pink bundle of joy. I didn't know my life had changed forever. But it had. It was no longer my own, my life and heart now belonged to this tiny little person staring up at me.
As the years have gone by my love for her has grown with such intensity, I can't physically stand it sometimes. She is my joy, my love, and the apple of mine and Jeffs eyes. We adore her and I praise Jesus every day for her. Of course it would be another 18 months before she met Jeff, her daddy, but he fell so in love with her too. Our family is so full of love and laughter because of this one little girl that decided against all odds, (birth control, and my blood clotting, car accident) she would be born.
My sweet little blessing from the Lord or most high King. She has been dedicated, given back to our Father in heaven and I know he looks down on her with such pride and such love, surrounding her with safety and gifts to serve and love others thats surpass any I have EVER seen. She is our special little love bug.
Happy birthday tomorrow my precious little baby girl.
XOXO
Mommy
Friday, July 1, 2011
Medical Records-I'd like my VBAC please!!
I had a C-Section with my daughter in 2004. The practice I used was a docs office upstairs and a women hospital down stairs. The practice closed and my doc moved practices. She stored her records at another hospital. I have requested med records 2 times now and got everything they had twice. They are very nice to deal with. Problem is on C-section day the whole surgery is missing besides one sheet of paper. My doc needs the surgery notes in order to allow me a Vbac vbac. The regular notes go from 12:30pm when doc orders the ER CS and then nothing until 4:00pm so 3 1/2 hours are missing. I know Chey was born at 1pm and placenta delivered at 1:02. That's it! There was another doc present. But it's my understanding med rec are stored by patient name not doc. So anyway I decided I would call the hospital that has the records AGAIN annnnddddd get this, they have had software issues for MONTHS and can't find anyones stuff because its all in numbered boxes. And she said it could be months before they find anything. Really!? Just REALLY!!
Thankfully I'm not due for 5.5 months but I want to get my ducks in a row... My worst case will be to go into labor and decline CS at the hospital....
My doc will let me go to 41 weeks or Jan 2 without a C-section......so say a prayer that someone somewhere finds the records!!
Thankfully I'm not due for 5.5 months but I want to get my ducks in a row... My worst case will be to go into labor and decline CS at the hospital....
My doc will let me go to 41 weeks or Jan 2 without a C-section......so say a prayer that someone somewhere finds the records!!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Coupon Craze!!
So I have learned the art of couponing, or I am trying to thanks to some lovely ladies on BBC and some of my friends!
My biggest shopping trip so far is below take a look!!
I feel so proud and I saved my family money! I cannot wait till the next coupons come out!! WOOT!! SO BTW if you don't use yours and want send them my way, feel free!! ;-)
My biggest shopping trip so far is below take a look!!
For all 3 purchases today my total was 109.78 and I paid Out Of Pocket (OOP) 49.14 (MQ Manufacture Coupon) (ECB = Extra Care Bucks)
CVS:
First Transaction
First Transaction
the $25 baby deal for $10ECB (this week only)
1 216 ct Huggies wipes 6.00
1 Similac 22oz $ 22.00
Total 28.00 plus tax
Minus 13.00 ECB
$3 off a $15 baby purchase
1.50 MQ for the wipes and a $5 Similac check OOP with tax $7.59
Plus $10 ECB back which I rolled into the next transaction
transaction #2
Pantene 2/$6.97 Sale
Toms Mouth wash $3.49 Sale
2 Colgate 7oz $2.79 each Sale
1 Huggies Jumbo 40 ct $8.99 Sale
1 Huggies Jumbo 36 ct size $8.99 3 Sale
1 Huggies P&N 33ct $8.99 Sale
Total 43.21 Plus tax
Minus
$10 ECB
11.50 MQs
OOP 25.11 plus $10 ECB for next time!
Grocery Store: Country Mart
Mayo Xs 2 @ 5.49 each
Yoplait 4ct at $2.39
2 Kraft Dressings $3.39 each
Kraft Mozz chees Shred $4.19
Kraft Mnt Jack Slices $4.19
7.5 oz Chex Mix bags 2.79 each
Total $38.57 plus tax
Total Coupons $4.00
Store Doubled Coupons $4.00
Store Card Savings $14.13
OOP 16.44
I feel so proud and I saved my family money! I cannot wait till the next coupons come out!! WOOT!! SO BTW if you don't use yours and want send them my way, feel free!! ;-)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
12 weeks 2 days!
And loving life! Ok ok, so I have had the most horrible migraines the past week, I couldn't even go to work the past 2 days. But I did lay in bed a lot so thats a plus right!!??
I am starting to pop a bit in my tummy so I am excited about that! The Lovenox seems to be working, that and the hand of God!!
The doc said I hit a blood vessel where the bruise is, but thats ok! I don't mind the bruise as long as my baby is HEALTHY!!!
I am starting to pop a bit in my tummy so I am excited about that! The Lovenox seems to be working, that and the hand of God!!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The day my Angel was due
Well, our expected due date with our first angel baby is tomorrow, May the 28, 2011,I should have been having a baby this week. I am still so sad.
YES I am SO thankful for the bean inside me now, I am! But this baby can never replace the ones lost. I love this baby entirely seperatly so don't think I am not greatful for it, I am!
I am just grieving my angel baby that was lost, and for all of you that may have angel babies it is OK to grieve them even though you may be pg again or have children since. It is OK, they were once our babies, inside of us, growing and oh so very loved.
It just still breaks my heart.
YES I am SO thankful for the bean inside me now, I am! But this baby can never replace the ones lost. I love this baby entirely seperatly so don't think I am not greatful for it, I am!
I am just grieving my angel baby that was lost, and for all of you that may have angel babies it is OK to grieve them even though you may be pg again or have children since. It is OK, they were once our babies, inside of us, growing and oh so very loved.
It just still breaks my heart.
Monday, May 16, 2011
8wks 1 day!!
We had an Ultrasound today! Baby is one day ahead of schedule at 8weeks and 1 day!!
EDD 12/25/2011
EDD 12/25/2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A day for birth!
Today is a GREAT BIG DAY! A BIRTH DAY!! My dear friend is having her little boy today! Every birth is so special and dear and this one extra special! A long story short: She has struggled with infertility for years, her eggs have had issues, she had a failed IVF once before with a 3 day transfer. She then switched REs and did a 5 day transfer and all the sudden she got a BIG FAT POSITIVE pregnancy test! Well fast forward several months and HER WATER BROKE today!! She is 37 weeks along and ready to meet her little miracle, what a wonderful special day. I pray that her delivery goes speedy fast and perfect!
GOD IS GOOD!
GOD IS GOOD!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The MEAN lady
I was at the grocery store and waiting in line. This lady was in front of me, she put her food on the belt, then it was almost her turn to pay so I put my food on. No problems yet.
Then this lady behind me eating chips shoves in front of me, between the lady in front and myself and starts piling her food in the belt and says "I'm gonna share your space if you dont mind" while she rubs her nasty self all over me, I can't back up cause she has her cart in my ass with a kid in it. I said "actually ma'am I do mind, I don't like to share space so I'll stand here and move up when that lady does".
She goes back to her cart and grabs a jar of pickles which she then shoves in front of me AGAIN and places on the belt, I look at her and say as sweet as I can "ma'am you're gonna give me a panic attack." She says "move over to the right then". I turn and look at her in tears now (I know I am an idiot) and say "ma'am I'm next in line, I will stand here, just wait a minute PLEASE". I turn back around the lady in front is like omg I'm bawling and the checker moves that ladies stuff outta the way and I move up. Then lady behind me pushes her cart to the side/front of me, hitting me in the leg with it. I don't say a word I just bawl and try very hard not to throw her damn pickles on the floor. I pay and leave. WTF?! Anyone want to claim her?
Then this lady behind me eating chips shoves in front of me, between the lady in front and myself and starts piling her food in the belt and says "I'm gonna share your space if you dont mind" while she rubs her nasty self all over me, I can't back up cause she has her cart in my ass with a kid in it. I said "actually ma'am I do mind, I don't like to share space so I'll stand here and move up when that lady does".
She goes back to her cart and grabs a jar of pickles which she then shoves in front of me AGAIN and places on the belt, I look at her and say as sweet as I can "ma'am you're gonna give me a panic attack." She says "move over to the right then". I turn and look at her in tears now (I know I am an idiot) and say "ma'am I'm next in line, I will stand here, just wait a minute PLEASE". I turn back around the lady in front is like omg I'm bawling and the checker moves that ladies stuff outta the way and I move up. Then lady behind me pushes her cart to the side/front of me, hitting me in the leg with it. I don't say a word I just bawl and try very hard not to throw her damn pickles on the floor. I pay and leave. WTF?! Anyone want to claim her?
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Betas
C'mon sweet betas rise! I have been wishing this all day! My HCG (beta) levels are going up nicely doubling every 30-36 hours which is good since normal is 48-72 hours! Today is the true test though, my levels should be over 1000, hopefully at least 1282 today. Then we can schedule my first ultrasound! I keep praying this little jingle bell sticks! C'mon grow baby grow!
The lab knows me by name I have been there so much to watch betas rise, fall, rise, fall and now rise again. I walk in and they say HEY JEN! C'mon back, I hardly even have to wait anymore. They just get me in and out... I look like I do drugs my poor arms are like pincushions now!
Update! Beta is in and GREAT!!
The lab knows me by name I have been there so much to watch betas rise, fall, rise, fall and now rise again. I walk in and they say HEY JEN! C'mon back, I hardly even have to wait anymore. They just get me in and out... I look like I do drugs my poor arms are like pincushions now!
Update! Beta is in and GREAT!!
| DPO | Beta | Doubling time from previous test |
|---|---|---|
| 9 | 6 | (none) |
| 13 | 84 | 25.21 hrs |
| 15 | 241 | 31.57 hrs |
| 17 | 641 | 34.01 hrs |
| 20 | 2498 | 36.69 hrs |
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Checkmate
I sit here in tears and in prayer, full of thoughts. I have this friend, she wants a baby more then anything in the world, but yet her and DH deal with male infertility. My heart aches. I feel almost guilty, I won't lie I get preggo easy, I just can't keep the babies in me. I know its not my job feel guilty, but I love her and I want her to lose her breath at the sight of a BFP and experience the wonder of it all like I can. She has undergone IVF that failed her, and is gearing up to do it again. In all the miserable months TTC not one bfp, hope slowly faded, than was renewed by IVF, only to be dashed, yet again hope springs alive and many prayers are going up. Some of us were joking that this time she would get a BFP and would be able to look at it and say checkmate since it would be the fist bfp and the beginning of her miracle, the end of the strategy game! I have this left over digital test that I am going to send her with that word written on it. I sit here with it in my hand begging God to let this be the test that fills her heart with joy unspeakable, and my eyes fill with tears, and I ask God why, why can't she have her checkmate. She is a good girl, her husband is so loving and kind, she wants to bear him a child, is that to much to ask? I am reminded of Hannah and Sarah in the Bible both barren yet both got their babies from the Lord, He saw fit to bless them, not through adoption but through their very own wombs. I think; Lord if you could do that then, can't you do that now? Oh YES adoption is a WONDERFUL thing, no denying that, but in this case I am talking about her womb. I would give almost anything to see her become a mother, I wish I could make sperm cause I'd just mail her some, yes yes its more complicated than that but you know what I mean!
I ramble about this because it leads me to the realization for all of us that struggle with fertility issues, we become locked into our own little worlds full of grief, hope, fear, anger and so on, often forgetting that the man or woman walking next to us may be dealing with one of the most heartbreaking things of their life: infertility.
For all of us, lets take a moment of our day to say a prayer for or drop a note to that person in our life that suffers in silence, holding other peoples babies, going to showers, seeing announcements on Facebook, and on the list goes, take a moment to say I CARE. And may CHECKMATE come for us all!
I ramble about this because it leads me to the realization for all of us that struggle with fertility issues, we become locked into our own little worlds full of grief, hope, fear, anger and so on, often forgetting that the man or woman walking next to us may be dealing with one of the most heartbreaking things of their life: infertility.
For all of us, lets take a moment of our day to say a prayer for or drop a note to that person in our life that suffers in silence, holding other peoples babies, going to showers, seeing announcements on Facebook, and on the list goes, take a moment to say I CARE. And may CHECKMATE come for us all!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Lovenox THE SHOT it's all for love
Ok so you ladies that do injections regularly will laugh at me! But here is my story!
Yesterday at 2:45pm I left work and drove to the OBs office to pick up my HCG slip saying I was preggers, there I found out my HCG went up to an 84 from a 6! WWWAAAYYY more then doubling! SO that was fantastic news! Then on to the hematologists office for a 3:15 appointment, my husband met me there and we waited for our appt, the clock ticked by to 3:30, we waited, 4pm came and went and still we waited, 4:15....waiting still....4:20 we were called back. The doctor came in glanced at my labs, had me tell my MC history to a new doctor and the wrote me a script for lovenox, 40mg once a day, a needle about the size of a diabetic insulin needle. After all that waiting, thats it, nothing else, no shot training or anything, she said I could come back for training the next day if I wanted to. But I need to start the shots tonight, how does that add up?! HA!
So I leave and go to CVS and they have 12 shots in stock thankfully,then I find out my insurance bluecross will only pay for 30 shots in 77 days, where the heck does that math come from!? So the wonderful pharmacy calls the ins company and if the doc fills out a certain form I should be able to get every dose I need! My co-pay is currently $100 for 30 days, so not to bad considering its $1274.00 for 30 days without ins. YIKES!
Sooooo for the the fun part! I get home with my precious package of blood thinners that will help my baby to stay alive. I haven't had training so I watch youtube videos to learn what to do. I have my hubby get one out, God bless him he is sooo afraid of needles! He gets it open for me and then I decide I better do it myself in case he is ever out of town and I need to do it. So I lay on the bed with the injection and put the needle by my skin and ............ ten minutes later I am in the same position, working up the nerve to stick a very sharp object into my tummy. I finally suck it up, remind myself this is for my baby and while sweating in ways and places no girl should ever sweat I let my breath out and slowly stick the needle in my belly. Wait IT DIDN'T HURT! Hooray! I slowly start the meds going in, and I am thinking, hmmm everyone said the meds burned, nothing hurts....yeah well about 3 seconds later HOLY FIRE! I continued to push the meds in with my hubby and little girl staring at me, so of course I am not gonna yell I have to be strong ya know! So FINALLY I get all the meds into my belly and pull the needle out slowly, that hurt a bit. When it was over my hubby went in the kitchen to recover as watching me do that made him ill and shaky, my daughter is all excited for tomorrows injection, and I am just beat, that took a lot out of me. After about 3 minutes the burn went away and I felt normal again. Today I have a tiny little red spot where I put the needle in but so far no bruise.
So anyway, thats my story oh what fun, not!! But all for love!
Yesterday at 2:45pm I left work and drove to the OBs office to pick up my HCG slip saying I was preggers, there I found out my HCG went up to an 84 from a 6! WWWAAAYYY more then doubling! SO that was fantastic news! Then on to the hematologists office for a 3:15 appointment, my husband met me there and we waited for our appt, the clock ticked by to 3:30, we waited, 4pm came and went and still we waited, 4:15....waiting still....4:20 we were called back. The doctor came in glanced at my labs, had me tell my MC history to a new doctor and the wrote me a script for lovenox, 40mg once a day, a needle about the size of a diabetic insulin needle. After all that waiting, thats it, nothing else, no shot training or anything, she said I could come back for training the next day if I wanted to. But I need to start the shots tonight, how does that add up?! HA!
So I leave and go to CVS and they have 12 shots in stock thankfully,then I find out my insurance bluecross will only pay for 30 shots in 77 days, where the heck does that math come from!? So the wonderful pharmacy calls the ins company and if the doc fills out a certain form I should be able to get every dose I need! My co-pay is currently $100 for 30 days, so not to bad considering its $1274.00 for 30 days without ins. YIKES!
Sooooo for the the fun part! I get home with my precious package of blood thinners that will help my baby to stay alive. I haven't had training so I watch youtube videos to learn what to do. I have my hubby get one out, God bless him he is sooo afraid of needles! He gets it open for me and then I decide I better do it myself in case he is ever out of town and I need to do it. So I lay on the bed with the injection and put the needle by my skin and ............ ten minutes later I am in the same position, working up the nerve to stick a very sharp object into my tummy. I finally suck it up, remind myself this is for my baby and while sweating in ways and places no girl should ever sweat I let my breath out and slowly stick the needle in my belly. Wait IT DIDN'T HURT! Hooray! I slowly start the meds going in, and I am thinking, hmmm everyone said the meds burned, nothing hurts....yeah well about 3 seconds later HOLY FIRE! I continued to push the meds in with my hubby and little girl staring at me, so of course I am not gonna yell I have to be strong ya know! So FINALLY I get all the meds into my belly and pull the needle out slowly, that hurt a bit. When it was over my hubby went in the kitchen to recover as watching me do that made him ill and shaky, my daughter is all excited for tomorrows injection, and I am just beat, that took a lot out of me. After about 3 minutes the burn went away and I felt normal again. Today I have a tiny little red spot where I put the needle in but so far no bruise.
So anyway, thats my story oh what fun, not!! But all for love!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
14 DPO - Stop Worrying
Today is 14 days past ovulation, at 8 DPO I got a BFP, 9DPO it was confirmed with a blood test that I am pregnant. We are due between Dec 25-27. I am SCARED. Today I go to the Hematologist to start my shots of Heprin or Lovenox to maybe keep my baby alive. I cannot begin to say how nervous I am that it won't work. Everyone says, have faith, relax (theres that stupid word again!) if its meant to be, stop worrying....and so on. Yeah those people can really just go talk to themselves because I am not listening. Walk a mile in my shoes then tell me to not worry. How do you not worry when the babies you long for die inside of your body? Is there really a way to not worry? I really don't know if there is a way. Yes I love the Lord and yes I am in His hands, yes He will carry me me if something bad happens, but YES I am HUMAN so still I worry. I don't make myself sick over it, but I do worry. Anyway, say a prayer that this bean is the jingle bell I have been longing for, set to arrive in the season of our Saviours birth!! Glory to God for this miracle no matter how long or short the life is.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Boarder Collies - The Furbaby KNOWS
Some say animals can sense when a woman is pregnant, long before she knows or a pee stick picks it up. Well the last 2 miscarriages, our sweet boarder collie has known we were pregnant before we did, and we all know I LOVE peeing on sticks so its hard to know before I do.......ahem. Anyway, when I am pregnant he sticks his nose in my lower belly and then he checks every day. The first time he did it we thought it was WEIRD then the next day I got a BFP! Then the last time he did it again! Its amazing what animals can do, what they can sense, and what they know. So from now on ladies before you whip out your pee sticks grab up your animals and see what they do! :-)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
10%
Today I am 7DPO, I don't feel like I am pregnant, it is just a gut feeling I have. So I wait and wait for this cycle to end. I have been thinking a lot lately about tithing, and giving 10% of my all, money, time, energy etc to the Lord. His word promises blessings if we do, so I am spending this day thinking of areas in my life that I need to give at least 10% of to the Lord and areas that I can make better.
I have a coworker that thinks women are good for nothing but to type, cook, clean etc.....we DO NOT get along at all. In fact I may be a little rude to him sometimes..... so I feel deep in my heart the quiet voice of God saying...... love your neighbor, bless those who persecute you, so I have made my goal to be nice, and sweet to this horrible man. So wish me luck and say a prayer.....! I want to give 100% of my heart to Gods service, not just 10%, this will be a challenge but in the end I will be able to hold my head high and know that I served the Lord.
I have a coworker that thinks women are good for nothing but to type, cook, clean etc.....we DO NOT get along at all. In fact I may be a little rude to him sometimes..... so I feel deep in my heart the quiet voice of God saying...... love your neighbor, bless those who persecute you, so I have made my goal to be nice, and sweet to this horrible man. So wish me luck and say a prayer.....! I want to give 100% of my heart to Gods service, not just 10%, this will be a challenge but in the end I will be able to hold my head high and know that I served the Lord.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Pure Joy
~ Happy Birthday to my darling husband! (yesterday) We had such a wonderful day yesterday having cake, a nap, church and just being together with our little girl. ~
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.... James 1:2
We both decided that if we are not pg this cycle we are taking next month off so we are not 4-5 weeks along on our cruise sould we get pg next cycle, neither one of us think I am pg this time, he goes based off the dog, every time I get pg the dog sticks his nose in my belly and doesn't move, it is weird! We have a Border Collie, only the smartest breed around! I keep hoping and praying that he will stick his nose in my tummy in the next few days! But I really don't feel it, so I will press on, I will rejoice in the life that I have been given and all the blessings that I have been given.
Today I bask in the glow of pure joy that comes from above.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.... James 1:2
We both decided that if we are not pg this cycle we are taking next month off so we are not 4-5 weeks along on our cruise sould we get pg next cycle, neither one of us think I am pg this time, he goes based off the dog, every time I get pg the dog sticks his nose in my belly and doesn't move, it is weird! We have a Border Collie, only the smartest breed around! I keep hoping and praying that he will stick his nose in my tummy in the next few days! But I really don't feel it, so I will press on, I will rejoice in the life that I have been given and all the blessings that I have been given.
Today I bask in the glow of pure joy that comes from above.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Relax
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Don't tell me to RELAX and it will happen. Shut the heck up! Really, shut your mouth if you are going to say that. Or say well when its meant to be it will happen. I KNOW THAT! I KNOW to relax, I am the one going through the issues, I am WELL AWARE that I should relax and that it will happen at some point. I didn't lose my babies because it was meant to be, I lost them because I live in a world where sin is dominant and therefore my body SUCKS. It has nothing to do with anything else. So SHUT UP.
Yes I know stress causes my unterine lining to become thin making it harder to get pg, I have done more research in the past couple of years then you people that say these things have done in your whole lives. I am relaxed actually. So really JUST SHUT IT
Thats all.
Yes I know stress causes my unterine lining to become thin making it harder to get pg, I have done more research in the past couple of years then you people that say these things have done in your whole lives. I am relaxed actually. So really JUST SHUT IT
Thats all.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
What not to say part one:
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy by RESOLVE
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Waiting
Why is waiting so hard!? I am NOT a patient person at all! I long for a baby in my arms, and yet I wait, and wait some more.
Hopefully one day soon. I get so hopeful that maybe this month is the month, and I get excited, but just for a moment then my excitment is clouded with the sadness of knowing that just because I get pregnant doesn't mean I will keep my baby in my belly. The possiblity of of another Angel baby is such a real thing, I know I know stay positive, but please tell me how.
On a more positive note, 58 days till we cruise!!! Oh I cannot wait, the joys of cruising are endless!
Hopefully one day soon. I get so hopeful that maybe this month is the month, and I get excited, but just for a moment then my excitment is clouded with the sadness of knowing that just because I get pregnant doesn't mean I will keep my baby in my belly. The possiblity of of another Angel baby is such a real thing, I know I know stay positive, but please tell me how.
On a more positive note, 58 days till we cruise!!! Oh I cannot wait, the joys of cruising are endless!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Let the river flow....
no really....... af is here, time to cry that I am not pg, but time to rejoice that my body is finally normal and I can start TTC in just 8 more days! EEKK!! How exciting right!?
I have to be so thankful, I follow a blog, (you can find it in the upper right corner of my page) this dear woman lost her baby girl to SIDs, my heart breaks for her, I have to be thankful that while I am sad about TTC I am not living her nightmare, life can always be worse. For all of us wallowing in self pity stop and embrace the ones you love the most, because you are BLESSED.
I have to be so thankful, I follow a blog, (you can find it in the upper right corner of my page) this dear woman lost her baby girl to SIDs, my heart breaks for her, I have to be thankful that while I am sad about TTC I am not living her nightmare, life can always be worse. For all of us wallowing in self pity stop and embrace the ones you love the most, because you are BLESSED.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Time to Heal
A time to mourn, a time to cry, a time to heal. I am finally at healing. Through grace and mearcy of the Lord Jesus my heart is beiong patched back together piece by piece. I finally feel like me again, my HPTs are finally negative, and the bleeding is over. After 14 weeks of pure torment everytime I peed, the torment has ended. My eyes cannot cry anymore tears and my heart cannot take another ache right now, it is time to LIVE. My darling angels in heaven now bring a small smile to my face, knowing I will hold them when I get there is healing. My husband has been such a rock and so wonderful to me and I cherish every moment with him and our daughter. There have been so many deaths around me lately, lives that are cut so short for one reason or another. Life ends in the blink of an eye and I will never again take either of them for granted. Life is good and I shall live it to the very fullest I can while I am here.
And as I write this a new little life is on its way into the world, my dear friend Julie is giving birth today after miscarriages and trials of her own and today is a day of a great big very tiny miracle. GOD IS GOOD.
And as I write this a new little life is on its way into the world, my dear friend Julie is giving birth today after miscarriages and trials of her own and today is a day of a great big very tiny miracle. GOD IS GOOD.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Beginning of Healing
The beginning of this journey is all about me and the rage and grief inside. Should I be happy after all this time? I suppose so, but I find myself getting uglier and uglier. I have now miscarried 2 babies in a row. I am broken. I never would have thought I would be here, in this dark place, a place where I just want to curl up and die. A place that no one can touch, my child has died again. My OB is so patient and understanding, Dr. Martin Jones in Lawton, he is an amazing doctor and takes good care of my physical body.
I wait for my HCG levels to drop from my last MC back before Christmas, and 11 weeks and 1 day later I still have hormones left from my angel baby and it is driving me CRAZY. I want to be able to try again. My chance for a 2011 baby is slipping through my fingers.
I was diagnosed with Factor V and MTHFR gene mutation, both of which cause blood clots in my body when my estrogen rises in pregnancy and the specialist is quite certain it is what is causing me to lose my babies. When I do get pg I will be on a Lovenox shot every day to help my body keep my baby healthy.
I am scared, but I am so ready to try again, as I type this my chest is tight, I am choking back tears, and I want to scream and scream and scream as loud as I can, as long as I can. But alas, I am not a screamer so the screams will just echo in my head until the day peace takes over. Some days I feel ok, then days like today hit and I am quite hormonal if I might say so myself!
Despite all of this turmoil on the inside, I do find peace and solace wrapped in my husband’s arms, or in kisses and snuggles from my daughter. I am so truly blessed, I look at the two of them and I feel so guilty for feeling so angry and sad, do I even have the right to feel that way? I don't know. I have this perfect little girl when so many of my friends are dealing with infertility, maybe I should just suck it up and get happy already! I really am trying to!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My beginning vent-LOSS
For almost 8 months now I have been trying to have a baby, we have gotten pregnant twice, and both times lost our precious little one. I have friends who say at least I know I can get pregnant. Yes because it is so much easier then being infertile, to have your baby DIE! I get so angry; this is my anger issue I am working on right now. Yes I have the ability to get pregnant but my babies die, tell me someone, how is it better to not be able to give life to your children then to not being able to conceive. They are both horrible things to deal with, my pain should be no less then someone else’s. The saddest thing is my heart breaks for the ones that are still trying to get pregnant, but yet they have no pain for me when my heart is shattered. So lesson of the day learned here, NEVER tell someone at least they can get pregnant. The babies that die are wanted and loved and it breaks me when they die. So many people think I am so strong, only my true friends know that I am broken into a million pieces. And for them I am so thankful.
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