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Thursday, April 28, 2011

The MEAN lady

 I was at the grocery store and waiting in line. This lady was in front of me, she put her food on the belt, then it was almost her turn to pay so I put my food on. No problems yet.
Then this lady behind me eating chips shoves in front of me, between the lady in front and myself and starts piling her food in the belt and says "I'm gonna share your space if you dont mind" while she rubs her nasty self all over me, I can't back up cause she has her cart in my ass with a kid in it. I said "actually ma'am I do mind, I don't like to share space so I'll stand here and move up when that lady does".
 She goes back to her cart and grabs a jar of pickles which she then shoves in front of me AGAIN and places on the belt, I look at her and say as sweet as I can "ma'am you're gonna give me a panic attack." She says "move over to the right then". I turn and look at her in tears now (I know I am an idiot)  and say "ma'am I'm next in line, I will stand here, just wait a minute PLEASE". I turn back around the lady in front is like omg I'm bawling and the checker moves that ladies stuff outta the way and I move up. Then lady behind me pushes her cart to the side/front of me, hitting me in the leg with it. I don't say a word I just bawl and try very hard not to throw her damn pickles on the floor. I pay and leave. WTF?! Anyone want to claim her?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


C'mon sweet betas rise! I have been wishing this all day! My HCG (beta) levels are going up nicely doubling every 30-36 hours which is good since normal is 48-72 hours! Today is the true test though, my levels should be over 1000, hopefully at least 1282 today. Then we can schedule my first ultrasound! I keep praying this little jingle bell sticks! C'mon grow baby grow!

The lab knows me by name I have been there so much to watch betas rise, fall, rise, fall and now rise again. I walk in and they say HEY JEN! C'mon back, I hardly even have to wait anymore. They just get me in and out... I look like I do drugs my poor arms are like pincushions now!

Update! Beta is in and GREAT!!

DPO Beta Doubling time from previous test
9 6 (none)
13 84 25.21 hrs
15 241 31.57 hrs
17 641 34.01 hrs
20 2498 36.69 hrs

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I sit here in tears and in prayer, full of thoughts. I have this friend, she wants a baby more then anything in the world, but yet her and DH deal with male infertility. My heart aches. I feel almost guilty, I won't lie I get preggo easy, I just can't keep the babies in me. I know its not my job feel guilty, but I love her and I want her to lose her breath at the sight of a BFP and experience the wonder of it all like I can.  She has undergone IVF that failed her, and is gearing up to do it again. In all the miserable months TTC not one bfp, hope slowly faded, than was renewed by IVF, only to be dashed, yet again hope springs alive and many prayers are going up. Some of us were joking that this time she would get a BFP and would be able to look at it and say checkmate since it would be the fist bfp and the beginning of her miracle, the end of the strategy game! I have this left over digital test that I am going to send her with that word written on it. I sit here with it in my hand begging God to let this be the test that fills her heart with joy unspeakable, and my eyes fill with tears, and I ask God why, why can't she have her checkmate. She is a good girl, her husband is so loving and kind, she wants to bear him a child, is that to much to ask? I am reminded of Hannah and Sarah in the Bible both barren yet both got their babies from the Lord, He saw fit to bless them, not through adoption but through their very own wombs. I think; Lord if you could do that then, can't you do that now? Oh YES adoption is a WONDERFUL thing, no denying that, but in this case I am talking about her womb. I would give almost anything to see her become a mother, I wish I could make sperm cause I'd just mail her some, yes yes its more complicated than that but you know what I mean!
I ramble about this because it leads me to the realization for all of us that struggle with fertility issues, we become locked into our own little worlds full of grief, hope, fear, anger and so on, often forgetting that the man or woman walking next to us may be dealing with one of the most heartbreaking things of their life: infertility.
For all of us, lets take a moment of our day to say a prayer for or drop a note to that person in our life that suffers in silence, holding other peoples babies, going to showers, seeing announcements on Facebook, and on the list goes, take a moment to say I CARE. And may CHECKMATE come for us all!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lovenox THE SHOT it's all for love

Ok so you ladies that do injections regularly will laugh at me! But here is my story!

Yesterday at 2:45pm I left work and drove to the OBs office to pick up my HCG slip saying I was preggers, there I found out my HCG went up to an 84 from a 6! WWWAAAYYY more then doubling! SO that was fantastic news! Then on to the hematologists office for a 3:15 appointment, my husband met me there and we waited for our appt, the clock ticked by to 3:30, we waited, 4pm came and went and still we waited, 4:15....waiting still....4:20 we were called back. The doctor came in glanced at my labs, had me tell my MC history to a new doctor and the wrote me a script for lovenox, 40mg once a day, a needle about the size of a diabetic insulin needle. After all that waiting, thats it, nothing else, no shot training or anything, she said I could come back for training the next day if I wanted to. But I need to start the shots tonight, how does that add up?! HA!
So I leave and go to CVS and they have 12 shots in stock thankfully,then I find out my insurance bluecross will only pay for 30 shots in 77 days, where the heck does that math come from!? So the wonderful pharmacy calls the ins company and if the doc fills out a certain form I should be able to get every dose I need! My co-pay is currently $100 for 30 days, so not to bad considering its $1274.00 for 30 days without ins. YIKES!
Sooooo for the the fun part! I get home with my precious package of blood thinners that will help my baby to stay alive. I haven't had training so I watch youtube videos to learn what to do. I have my hubby get one out, God bless him he is sooo afraid of needles! He gets it open for me and then I decide I better do it myself in case he is ever out of town and I need to do it. So I lay on the bed with the injection and put the needle by my skin and ............ ten minutes later I am in the same position, working up the nerve to stick a very sharp object into my tummy. I finally suck it up, remind myself this is for my baby and while sweating in ways and places no girl should ever sweat I let my breath out and slowly stick the needle in my belly. Wait IT DIDN'T HURT! Hooray! I slowly start the meds going in, and I am thinking, hmmm everyone said the meds burned, nothing hurts....yeah well about 3 seconds later HOLY FIRE! I continued to push the meds in with my hubby and little girl staring at me, so of course I am not gonna yell I have to be strong ya know! So FINALLY I get all the meds into my belly and pull the needle out slowly, that hurt a bit. When it was over my hubby went in the kitchen to recover as watching me do that made him ill and shaky, my daughter is all excited for tomorrows injection, and I am just beat, that took a lot out of me. After about 3 minutes the burn went away and I felt normal again. Today I have a tiny little red spot where I put the needle in but so far no bruise.
So anyway, thats my story oh what fun, not!! But all for love!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

14 DPO - Stop Worrying

Today is 14 days past ovulation, at 8 DPO I got a BFP, 9DPO it was confirmed with a blood test that I am pregnant. We are due between Dec 25-27. I am SCARED. Today I go to the Hematologist to start my shots of Heprin or Lovenox to maybe keep my baby alive. I cannot begin to say how nervous I am that it won't work. Everyone says, have faith, relax (theres that stupid word again!) if its meant to be, stop worrying....and so on. Yeah those people can really just go talk to themselves because I am not listening. Walk a mile in my shoes then tell me to not worry. How do you not worry when the babies you long for die inside of your body? Is there really a way to not worry? I really don't know if there is a way. Yes I love the Lord and yes I am in His hands, yes He will carry me me if something bad happens, but YES I am HUMAN so still I worry. I don't make myself sick over it, but I do worry.  Anyway, say a prayer that this bean is the jingle bell I have been longing for, set to arrive in the season of our Saviours birth!! Glory to God for this miracle no matter how long or short the life is.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Boarder Collies - The Furbaby KNOWS

Some say animals can sense when a woman is pregnant, long before she knows or a pee stick picks it up. Well the last 2 miscarriages, our sweet boarder collie has known we were pregnant before we did, and we all know I LOVE peeing on sticks so its hard to know before I do.......ahem. Anyway, when I am pregnant he sticks his nose in my lower belly and then he checks every day. The first time he did it we thought it was WEIRD then the next day I got a BFP! Then the last time he did it again! Its amazing what animals can do, what they can sense, and what they know. So from now on ladies before you whip out your pee sticks grab up your animals and see what they do! :-)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


Today I am 7DPO, I don't feel like I am pregnant, it is just a gut feeling I have. So I wait and wait for this cycle to end. I have been thinking a lot lately about tithing, and giving 10% of my all, money, time, energy etc to the Lord. His word promises blessings if we do, so I am spending this day thinking of areas in my life that I need to give at least 10% of to the Lord and areas that I can make better.

I have a coworker that thinks women are good for nothing but to type, cook, clean etc.....we DO NOT get along at all. In fact I may be a little rude to him sometimes..... so I feel deep in my heart the quiet voice of God saying...... love your neighbor, bless those who persecute you, so I have made my goal to be nice, and sweet to this horrible man. So wish me luck and say a prayer.....! I want to give 100% of my heart to Gods service, not just 10%, this will be a challenge but in the end I will be able to hold my head high and know that I served the Lord.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Pure Joy

~ Happy Birthday to my darling husband! (yesterday) We had such a wonderful day yesterday having cake, a nap, church and just being together with our little girl. ~

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.... James 1:2

We both decided that if we are not pg this cycle we are taking next month off so we are not 4-5 weeks along on our cruise sould we get pg next cycle, neither one of us think I am pg this time, he goes based off the dog, every time I get pg the dog sticks his nose in my belly and doesn't move, it is weird! We have a Border Collie, only the smartest breed around! I keep hoping and praying that he will stick his nose in my tummy in the next few days! But I really don't feel it, so I will press on, I will rejoice in the life that I have been given and all the blessings that I have been given.
Today I bask in the glow of pure joy that comes from above.

Friday, April 8, 2011


ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Don't tell me to RELAX and it will happen. Shut the heck up! Really, shut your mouth if you are going to say that. Or say well when its meant to be it will happen. I KNOW THAT! I KNOW to relax, I am the one going through the issues, I am WELL AWARE that I should relax and that it will happen at some point. I didn't lose my babies because it was meant to be, I lost them because I live in a world where sin is dominant and therefore my body SUCKS. It has nothing to do with anything else. So SHUT UP.

Yes I know stress causes my unterine lining to become thin making it harder to get pg, I have done more research in the past couple of years then you people that say these things have done in your whole lives. I am relaxed actually. So really JUST SHUT IT

Thats all.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

What not to say part one:

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy by RESOLVE
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.