The Big H

When the one thing that has fulfilled a portion of your dreams is gone........



I haven't blogged in a couple of years, "vlogging" got popular I suppose. I considered Vlogging this and still may but don't think I can with out ugly crying. This may get long as I am doing this for MY mental and emotional health. This will be shared in hopes that all of you who read it will know something about this for yourselves or possibly have some insight into your friends.

June 16, or 22 days ago, my uterus was removed from my body. One of the best, yet absolute worst things I have ever decided for my body.  You see, I had endometriosis that was causing so much pain I could not function to the point of living normal life with my kids and husband. My doctor gave me 2 choices, have a laparoscopy to clean out endometriosis or a partial hysterectomy.
The first option sounds lovely, however, the endo would just be back in 1-6 months and I was not ready to get pregnant that fast due to life, and we miscarried a precious baby back in February and I was not ready to have a surgery only to go through that again. The hysterectomy would eliminate the endo and get me out of pain and give me the ability to give my kids and hubby the life they deserve from me. (13yo girl, 5yo boy, 2yo boy). I have already had a surgery to "clean me out" in the past to get pregnant with my 2yo, this time choosing the hysterectomy was right and was one of the hardest choices of my life. I decided I was okay with it as I am ready to move forward with career and not start over with a newborn. But my heart still grieves at times.

You see, when a  textbook woman is born she has uterus, she has that unspoken option to become pregnant and give birth should she choose, even if she never wants kids, she still has the choice. (aside from fertility issues) A hysterectomy takes away the choice to grow life inside of our womb. Forever. If you know me, you know that I adore being pregnant and breastfeeding a small child. Yes, a thousand times yes adoption is an option to add to our family, however that is NOT what this is about. It is about losing the choice and a part of myself that I have had since the day I was born, for 34 years.

I lay awake at 2am and cry because this chapter in my life is gone, there is no going back, there is not undoing what is done. and there are days I am totally okay with it because I am fine with no more children. After losing several babies to heaven I am okay with never facing that heartache again.

For the Friend:

If you are reading this and know a friend facing this, be there for her no matter if she is okay with it or not because she WILL have her bad days. I have found myself alone quite a lot through this, my husband tries but he can't fully understand as he is not a guy, and sometimes a girl just needs her friends. I have been blessed to have a couple of ladies in my life that I can call or text and tell them what is going on and they are there. I can't imagine not having them. For the most part the biggest part of my circle of friends, and family even expressed sympathy the first day and moved on, to them this was not something that was a big deal. I totally understand that because just a few months ago I didn't understand what my friend was going through when she had one, even though she was 100% done with babies, I didn't get it. And she is someone that I would drive to at midnight to comfort if needed. But I didn't know, because NO-ONE talks about this. Ladies suffer in silent because they feel like no one will get it and they don't have the right to talk about it because they made the choice.

So ladies, if your friend is going through this, and its 3 weeks later, text her, ask her how she is and what you can do. Take her coffee and just sit with her, let her cry or just visit or just sit there in silence, you don't have to understand, you don't have to say wise words, just BE THERE.

The day after I had surgery, I had friends text me about their pregnancies, showing me ultrasounds of their babies, talking about trying to get pregnant. I am not sure I responded with grace to those messages as they ripped me apart, I wish I had found grace, I love my friends and their forming babies, but that wasn't the day. My heart was so so grieved. I was alone, alone in the hospital (hubby was home with the boys), I needed my people, its odd how people don't come see you after surgery, GO see her when she has this done otherwise she will be alone to drown in her thoughts.

I cannot yet go to functions where pregnant people are, it is not something I can explain, I don't want to be pregnant, but it still makes me feel emotionally devastated. Especially with people who are due when or close to when I was with my angel in heaven ( September). I feel so guilty, I want to celebrate them, I want to see their bellies, but I just can't. It brings me to my knees. I am sure a year from now or way sooner, I will be fine and over this and moved on.

Please, please be there for your girls when they lose a part of themselves they have had forever. No matter how much they want it, it is going to hurt on some level.  I have been so so blessed to have a couple of far off friends that I can talk to about anything, like how hard it is to pee after surgery, these two ladies sat there for hours while I tried and tried, and celebrated with me when it happened (this is a very important feat to the doctor after a hysterectomy). And one far off who lets me say anything I need to say no matter what. I have 2 others that live far off who are there, they listen. Gosh I wish they lived closer. I have a friend I can talk to about how badly my heart hurts, in fact we had a talk about how no one talks about this, shes has been through this and one a few doors over that brought me food and blessed my life by checking on me everyday, and being there to talk about all of this, who would do anything I needed to make my heart and body feel better. THESE are the people that made the last 3 weeks better and touched my heart so so much. If you have a friend go through this, GO SEE HER and be there, or call her if you are far away, or text her. Her body is changing, (insomnia, pain, hot flashes even if she keeps her ovaries) and her heart is changing, it is moving into a new phase of life, and a girl needs her ladies when her life changes and takes a new direction.

I am 3 weeks in, and I still have physical pain, and my heart still aches. There are nights I think, I wish I could take it back, and then there are nights I KNOW I made the right choice. Which I did. But that doesn't mean I am not allowed to grieve the dream, the thing I have known for always.

Please do not read this and feel sorry for me, or feel bad if you know me, I have my circle of girls, I will be okay. I am writing this so when you have a close friend who goes through this you will remember she needs you. Again because no one ever talks about it. When my friend went through this, had I known all of the emotion that goes with it I would have sat with her everyday, but I didn't know, because unlike birth stories, no one talks about this. Awareness in the circles I run in is a very important thing. (If you don't know me I spend my personal time in the baby related world, helping ladies get pregnant, achieving their dreams, if I could do life again I would be a reproductive specialist, I love this part of life)

This is not a life or death type insight, it is just a peek into the reality of a girl that loses this part of herself and struggles to fill it with something new. I can never in words express in its entirety how I feel or what we go through, but I hope its a start. 3 weeks in don't forget, she still needs you even if she doesn't say it. Because you see, we feel stupid saying we still need you. Its not like we had a baby or almost died or anything, but we do, we still need you for the hard days, which will turn into moments eventually.

For the Girl:

The surgery itself is quick, about 1.5 - 4 hours depending on your doctor, mine was the 1.5. You will have a one night hospital stay and if you follow doctors orders (unlike me) you will recover quickly, 1-6 weeks. Had I not lifted my little guy I would have been okay in about a week. Follow doctors orders! Lean on your friends, cry when you need to, talk to your friends, drink a lot of water, it'll help with how flashes that occur for a little while after a partial. A full they will happen much longer. Save a few boring projects for night time, insomnia is a side affect. You will have some pain, some light bleeding, the worse the pain and bleeding the more you have overdone it. Use a heating pad, take your pain meds and SIT for days. Its okay. Binge watch something, for me, I did a flashback to Dawsons Creek ha! (Its on the Free Form app on the fire stick) - If you want to know more feel free to reach out. I am here and I am happy to give you my experience insight on everything.

I hope this helped to bring a small bit of awareness. If anyone has questions, please reach out.

Signing off for now - 22 Days In