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Saturday, August 5, 2017

She Still Needs YOU

It's been 6 weeks, and she still needs YOU!
I have long hesitated writing this as I always worry about what people think, and I know some will think this is about them, and maybe it is, but I cannot not write this, I hate making people feel bad.... not that they will..... I have learned there are very few people who can focus beyond themselves.

My joy is GONE. I am 6 weeks from my hysterectomy and am normally a VERY happy go lucky person. For several weeks now I have NO joy. I don't feel anything close to joy except when I look at my children. They are what keeps my heart beating in a human emotion. This is not me!!

If you are just reading this, this is part 2, I chose to write this to provide insight into what happens to a woman when she has a very feminine part of herself taken from her, voluntary or not. Mine was due to painful medical issues. People don't talk about and it's time these women are taken care of.

After 6 weeks, everyone has moved on, they have forgotten, it's old news. To the woman going through it, it is still fresh. Barring any complications she is just now physically healing. I had complications and healing took awhile, I still cannot do photo shoots of my dear friends I have promised.

As a mother I felt like dirt not helping my husband do things, I was under doctors orders to sit around and be a bum. I tried. It wasn't easy. For weeks toilets went uncleaned, floors unswept, toys all mixed up. Hubby did is best and he took care of my babies which was all I asked of him and most important (he did a LOT but one man cannot do it all). At one week out I felt so guilty I started cooking again and lifting the toddler, BIG NONO. But I did, because I am me and I felt so bad he was doing it all. You see, we have no family here, and the very little family that cares is so far away.
Even as I sit here, I think of the toilets.... UGH! I am so thankful for my sister who prepared some frozen meals, a friend who brought food and my mom who sent food with my sister. That helped hubby so much. Take care of your people!

I should be a month away from welcoming our 4th baby into the world, but alas my body had different plans for that and miscarried my little angel. My heart grieves in ways you cannot fathom, not only have I lost my baby, I have lost the ability to try again. Never again will I feel life inside of me or nourish a child at my breast. My joy.... gone.

I have a couple baby showers I am planning, and part my heart shatters when its someone so focused on their baby and nothing else. No, I don't want to deal with you being difficult, no I don't want to talk about only that, NO I don't deal well with you being a "pregzilla"! ASK ME how I am, talk to me, acknowledge that I should have a baby inside of me almost due, and its not my first loss, but I wasn't expecting it, I did everything right even my shots, all of my other losses have been because of lack of shots and blood clots, this time, it just happened, please acknowledge I have had a life changing event. Ok, some of you reading this..... you have done that and I am planning your shower, or celebrating a pregnancy with you. I am not talking about you. I am just speaking about what crushes me so others will know how to treat their friends.  As someone who loves all things pregnancy and adores planning showers, maternity, nursing, newborn photos.... I just don't right now. My joy is gone. Its just gone and I don't know where it is. Smiling is a chore. I know in a few weeks or months it will be back, but right now, its gone. If I am planning your shower I want to, so if you read this please don't take that from me, but if you are one who is all about you, remember there is a ME. I hate to even say this, but it needs to be said because I am not the only one! I wasn't even going to say this part but I need it to get out of me.

I lay in bed at night and cannot sleep, I sob quietly so I don't wake my precious husband, I message a couple of amazing girls at 1:30am for a distraction because I know they love me and will distract me.

I have NOT forgotten my angel baby, I have not forgotten my loss of uterus. I see all the baby things I have saved or bought for my angel or a someday, I can't emotionally give them away to someone I know, so I sell them to strangers or donate them. I can't bear that cute little diaper I have been saving on a bum that I know.

I lay awake at night wondering if my husband is going to leave me because of how demanding and mean I can be, I know he won't but if I were him I would think about it, there is no joy in my interactions. I tell my friends I am busy, but honestly I have been in pain and I have no desire to go somewhere and pretend happiness. I love my girls, but I just want to be home.

There are far worse tragedies than mine, and those, I cannot imagine how people feel even a year later, it makes me want to check on those people..

NOW, I have said all of this, but please don't feel guilty or like you need to do something, I have a core group of friends that lets me be angry and cry and talks me through the moments of everyday.  I am writing so you know how a girl like me feels and YOU can be her core group, YOU can ask how she is and listen when she cries, you can go sit quietly with her without talk and just drink coffee 6 weeks later. You can know how she might feel.
As I stated in my first blog on this, I have friends who went through this and I wasn't there long term for them because I didn't know, no one talks about this, guilty of moving on,I am . This blog, and me saying how I feel has the sole purpose of bringing awareness to how a girl feels when she looses part of her womanhood,
I am sure this blog will offend someone, but that's the point, it's not about you, it is about your person who is broken, Christ calls us to help mend the broken hearted, not just to take care of the sick of body, but the sick of spirit.
I don't need advice or pity, I just want you to take what I have said and make a difference in the life of someone who is broken for whatever reason.Bear their burdens with them and love them with the love of Christ, so fully and pure. If I did not have my Lord to cry out to I would be in trouble....deep trouble.
If my experience can help even one girl be okay then all the judgement form this is well worth it!
Remember behind her smile and her "I'm fine" she still needs you.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. My heart is with you. I, myself 10 years out, mourn the loss of all the children I should have now. Knowing I'll never feel the tiny thumps, see the "lump" shift suddenly from one side to the other, or even have the joy and anticipation of the results that come with peeing on a stick. I thank you for sharing your story. It has made me open my eyes to the fact that I CAN mourn the loss of my uterus and it's ok, even normal. I felt stupid for feeling the way I do.