Waiting

Why is waiting so hard!? I am NOT a patient person at all! I long for a baby in my arms, and yet I wait, and wait some more.
Hopefully one day soon. I get so hopeful that maybe this month is the month, and I get excited, but just for a moment then my excitment is clouded with the sadness of knowing that just because I get pregnant doesn't mean I will keep my baby in my belly. The possiblity of of another Angel baby is such a real thing, I know I know stay positive, but please tell me how.

On a more positive note, 58 days till we cruise!!! Oh I cannot wait, the joys of cruising are endless!

Let the river flow....

no really....... af is here, time to cry that I am not pg, but time to rejoice that my body is finally normal and I can start TTC in just 8 more days! EEKK!! How exciting right!?

I have to be so thankful, I follow a blog, (you can find it in the upper right corner of my page) this dear woman lost her baby girl to SIDs, my heart breaks for her, I have to be thankful that while I am sad about TTC I am not living her nightmare, life can always be worse. For all of us wallowing in self pity stop and embrace the ones you love the most, because you are BLESSED.

Time to Heal

A time to mourn, a time to cry, a time to heal. I am finally at healing. Through grace and mearcy of the Lord Jesus my heart is beiong patched back together piece by piece. I finally feel like me again, my HPTs are finally negative, and the bleeding is over. After 14 weeks of pure torment everytime I peed, the torment has ended. My eyes cannot cry anymore tears and my heart cannot take another ache right now, it is time to LIVE. My darling angels in heaven now bring a small smile to my face, knowing I will hold them when I get there is healing. My husband has been such a rock and so wonderful to me and I cherish every moment with him and our daughter. There have been so many deaths around me lately, lives that are cut so short for one reason or another. Life ends in the blink of an eye and I will never again take either of them for granted. Life is good and I shall live it to the very fullest I can while I am here.

And as I write this a new little life is on its way into the world, my dear friend Julie is giving birth today after miscarriages and trials of her own and today is a day of a great big very tiny miracle. GOD IS GOOD.

The Beginning of Healing

The beginning of this journey is all about me and the rage and grief inside. Should I be happy after all this time? I suppose so, but I find myself getting uglier and uglier. I have now miscarried 2 babies in a row. I am broken. I never would have thought I would be here, in this dark place, a place where I just want to curl up and die. A place that no one can touch, my child has died again. My OB is so patient and understanding, Dr. Martin Jones in Lawton, he is an amazing doctor and takes good care of my physical body.

I wait for my HCG levels to drop from my last MC back before Christmas, and 11 weeks and 1 day later I still have hormones left from my angel baby and it is driving me CRAZY. I want to be able to try again. My chance for a 2011 baby is slipping through my fingers.

             I was diagnosed with Factor V and MTHFR gene mutation, both of which cause blood clots in my body when my estrogen rises in pregnancy and the specialist is quite certain it is what is causing me to lose my babies. When I do get pg I will be on a Lovenox shot every day to help my body keep my baby healthy.

             I am scared, but I am so ready to try again, as I type this my chest is tight, I am choking back tears, and I want to scream and scream and scream as loud as I can, as long as I can. But alas, I am not a screamer so the screams will just echo in my head until the day peace takes over. Some days I feel ok, then days like today hit and I am quite hormonal if I might say so myself! 

            Despite all of this turmoil on the inside, I do find peace and solace wrapped in my husband’s arms, or in kisses and snuggles from my daughter. I am so truly blessed, I look at the two of them and I feel so guilty for feeling so angry and sad, do I even have the right to feel that way? I don't know. I have this perfect little girl when so many of my friends are dealing with infertility, maybe I should just suck it up and get happy already! I really am trying to!

My beginning vent-LOSS

For almost 8 months now I have been trying to have a baby, we have gotten pregnant twice, and both times lost our precious little one. I have friends who say at least I know I can get pregnant. Yes because it is so much easier then being infertile, to have your baby DIE! I get so angry; this is my anger issue I am working on right now. Yes I have the ability to get pregnant but my babies die, tell me someone, how is it better to not be able to give life to your children then to not being able to conceive. They are both horrible things to deal with, my pain should be no less then someone else’s. The saddest thing is my heart breaks for the ones that are still trying to get pregnant, but yet they have no pain for me when my heart is shattered.  So lesson of the day learned here, NEVER tell someone at least they can get pregnant. The babies that die are wanted and loved and it breaks me when they die. So many people think I am so strong, only my true friends know that I am broken into a million pieces. And for them I am so thankful.